GIRLS, SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER TO RECEIVE THAN GIVE

I just wrote a blog to guys that stressed that they need to forget bringing on their “A” game and getting their “grove on” but instead focus on quality relationships by getting their “good on.”

Contrary to popular belief, the good guys always finish first, and in your hearts you know this too. Girls that say they like “bad boys” are really saying that they like a guy who is playful. There’s an old joke about the farmer that sees a frozen rattlesnake by his creek in the dead of winter. Feeling sorry for the snake, he picks up the snake and brings him into his home and thaws the snake by the fire. The snake is saved, and thanks the farmer, then proceeds to bite him. The farmer is shocked. “After all I did for you, how could you bite me?” The snake responded, “You forget that I’m a snake.”

Here are some statistics on relationships that you should know:

  1. The likelihood of barstool relationships surviving is 2%. Read the tea leaves.
  2. Robert Daynes of Stanford Law School did a study that concludes that 10% of all divorces are a result of pornography. Moral of the story? Morales.
  3. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention surveyed 22,000 men and women about marriage and divorce, and how to make a good marriage. The results: contrary to popular opinion, cohabitation doesn’t carry increased divorce risk. Why? Because you truly get to know your partner before the plunge.

What’s my message here?  As spring-fling season is upon us, the key to finding someone to spend an “endless summer” with lies in finding a truly good partner. Dating and mating is certainly a “game” but don’t play games with emotions in true human beings. Being hard to get isn’t all that bad, because since the days of Cro-Magnons men are wired to chase and women are taught to be caught. But the most important skill that you can develop in finding a good partner is to learn to receive.

Receiving means appreciating the individual who’s attempting to connect with you. The “player” who has all the lines is hunting for action, not love. Listen through the noise and hear what’s truly being said and look for the integrity of who is saying it. When someone makes absolutely no effort in the first few dates, read the tea leaves. Don’t fall for the guy that texts you to meet him in some bar and “hang out.” Remember, the man chases the woman until she finally catches him.

In any relationship, romance or friendship, appreciating someone for who that person is and what they are trying to do for you is the key to forming a sustainable relationship. Learn how to receive those that make an effort to be friends and then reciprocate with grace, and you’ll have some truly quality friendships and possibly the love of your life.

GUYS, TIME TO GET YOUR “GOOD ON”…

It is finally spring season, and everyone in the dating scene is thinking about getting their “grove on.” Although I appreciate that dating is game of sorts, and it’s better to bring your “A” game rather than not, keep in mind that the most important thing in forming or keeping any relationships is to get your “good on.”

Contrary to popular belief, the good guys always finish first for several reasons. First of all, if you are posing to be someone that you are not, then you are forming a relationship with someone on shifting sands.  Ultimately, the true-you will surface, and you’re going to have to re-establish a relationship based upon deception. Of course the worst deception would be for someone married to be playing in a singles game, but no deception is going to work in the long run. Be true to yourself. Secondly, if your true-self doesn’t attract the ideal persons that you target, it may require you to search within to find out why.  More than not, if you look beyond the exterior image of someone that attracts you, you may find that the true soul of that person was the reason that you didn’t connect. Beauty is only skin deep, although that’s a tough concept to understand for most mere mortals.

Just like the phrase, “money can’t buy happiness”, neither can classic good looks. I can give you three examples:

  1. Some of the most endearing movie actors and actresses aren’t model-esque in their looks, but have figured out how to take their quirks and make them endearing.
  2. Some of your best friends may be presentable but not necessarily “rock stars”, and yet they are still your best friends. Examine why you are attracted to them, and you may have a better understanding how romantic relationships should work.
  3. I’ve interviewed endless couples who are deeply in love. Each couple will tell you that to them, they love their partner deeply, and every flaw in its own way is endearing to them.

With Spring-fling season upon us, more than ever it’s time for some spring cleaning in your approach to relationships and get your “good on.” To thyself be true!

A SPRING FLING COULD LEAD TO AN ENDLESS SUMMER

Now that spring is in the air, any single red-blooded American (and European and Asian) man turns his thoughts towards sports and romance, not necessarily in that order.  The usual line of thinking is, “I need to find a partner to do things with throughout the spring and summer.”  Yes, it’s a couples-driven world to a great extent.  Some activities are better spent with in the company of another. But does this mean that you have to find “the one” for all of these activities? The two goals: doing things together and finding “the one” are separate quests altogether. Don’t confuse them.

First of all, you can’t make the magic happen. Contrary to advertising, there is no cologne that you can wear that will make someone fall in love with you. According to GrabStats.com, the odds of a barstool date working out are 2%.  The odds of a family or friend fix-up are 17%. I would wager that if you set an expectation that every date you go on will be “the one” your odds on having a good time will be near zero.  Why?  It’s because you’re bound to be disappointed sooner than later, and that disappointment will get in the way of having a good time on your date.

Secondly, you’re goal is to have a good time doing things in the spring and summer. The solution—find dates that are open to doing the same things that you want to do.  There are many ways. 1) HowaboutWe.com has activity-driven matches for groups that are into the same activities. Also, there is probably a MeetUp group near you where people also partake in group outings for concerts, sports etc. 2) Use an Internet dating service to sort through dating candidates that meet your criteria—age, lifestyle, likes/dislikes, religion, career etc.  Fact: people with an Internet connection were much more likely to be in a relationship (72%) than those without (36%).

True story:  my best friend is on Match.com and he regularly takes the profile of what a potential date is looking for and rewrites it so that he appears that he is the “perfect” date. He does it to be funny. Half the women realize that he’s poking fun and laugh back. The other half have apparently completely forgotten what they wrote, and reply gushingly that he could be “the one.” Mind you he hasn’t met them yet. Trust me, you’re better off finding someone to enjoy doing the things you want to do this spring and summer.  Set your dates up for success by finding someone that wants to do the same things you want to do so you both have fun. And should the magic happen, and then hopefully you’ll have an “endless summer” of Dating for Life.

 

DATING IS A TWO-WAY STREET

The root word of “Date” is Didonal, an ancient Greek term which means, “to give.” Therefore, when someone, (anyone) asks you out, his or her job is to honor you by giving you a good time. If your friend asks you to an event, if a business colleague invites you out, if a long-time spouse plans a date, or especially on a first date, the person doing the inviting needs to show some initiative in planning a date that will be enjoyable for the guest. It’s that simple. When a guy shows up on a date unshaven and unprepared, and his opening line is, “Whassup?” The proper response should be, “Apparently nothing.” Quite frankly, it’s bad form for a guy to ask out a girl with plenty of advance notice and then not find out what activities will be appreciated by both parties and plan a suitable date. It’s outright appalling for the same person to not plan at all.

Now, let’s look at the flip side. The person who is being honored by a date also needs to reciprocate by appreciating the effort extended by the host, and receive whatever efforts are extended with grace and appreciation.  It’s poor taste for the person being take out to be a “taker.” In dating, turn-about is fair play, and if the person taken on a date is treated with best intentions, then it’s good form to be a good date as well. I feel badly for guys that try to show a girl a good time, but because she doesn’t have a future interest in the person, she acts bored. Advice—LOSE the date. You don’t need to carry her baggage. Grace is a misunderstood word. A person that forgives or donates money provides grace. But gratis is the Latin root word for Grace, which also means to be pleasing, to praise, and to be grateful.

Ladies—if anyone takes you out and the date show effort and initiative, reciprocate by at least being a friend. You never know when that acquaintance could open another door that could change your life positively forever. Dating is a two-way street.

STEREOTYPING VERSUS HAPPINESS?

In the days of the Scarlet Letter or Jane Eyre, you were either married by age eighteen or you were destined to be a spinster. Back then society was split into those with money and those without. Upper society used arranged marriages to preserve wealth, power and stature. Poor people often married to combine expenses and survive. Of course there are always exceptions to every rule, where love conquered all, despite all obstacles.  But in general, however, you were stereotyped as being happy if you were married and sad if you were a spinster.

Now let’s look at our modern world. Marriages certainly aren’t arranged except in a few societies such as India. Is it any surprise that less people are getting married? This isn’t an omen at all. Why?

  1. We live in an individualistic society. Think of the career and outside interest options available to an individual in today’s world versus a century ago. More individuals than ever are finding and pursuing his or her passions. It isn’t as important to find a mate to make one “complete.”
  2. We live in the information age. Not only are millennials aware of the statistics of failed marriages, but also they can easily research why. Ignorance is no longer bliss. Many couples live together for years without getting married until they want to plan a family. This isn’t a question of wrong or right, but a pragmatic lifestyle between two fulfilled individuals.
  3. Most women who aren’t married by age 18, or upon college graduation, or before age thirty or even later don’t succumb to societal stereotyping. When’s the last time you heard the term “spinster?”  Properly applied, there are an equal number of male “spinsters” but again, American society doesn’t use the term because the age when two people decide to marry is largely irrelevant these days.
  4. True happiness comes from within. Everyone’s DNA is different, and many times an individual’s route to happiness is also unique. But thanks to the diverse world we live in today, more and more people are happy with who they are and what they do.

I would hope that when two people do marry in today’s world, they are marrying because they have found and shared true love and know how to preserve it.

Dating for Life can lead the way.

CONTENT OR HAPPY?

If you are content, then you are comfortable, complacent, fulfilled, pleased as punch, fat dumb and happy, smug, even tickled pink. Overall, you can’t complain. But are you happy? People who are passionate aren’t always content. Why? Because passion is a fervent desire to achieve, create, make change happen, make a difference, make a statement. People who are passionate don’t accept the status quo.

Can you be happy and content?  A good question for sure. I know that passionate people are never content with the status quo. Passionate people are happy pursuing their quests. Fictional Don Quixote wasn’t content in prison, but was certainly happy. My guess is that Gates, Jobs, and Zuckerberg found happiness in pursuit of their quests, but none were ever content.

But what about a romantic partnership?  Should you be content with your partner? Most people are, but I’m not sure that their happiness is consistent.  Think about the couple that goes through their routines, day in and day out, and their happiness is externally generated. Perhaps they go on the annual vacation. Perhaps a weekly movie is fun, or bowling night. But is the couple happy?

I would suggest that Dating for Life means that romance should never die, and a continual date means always pushing for new ways to cultivate love. Something as simple as bringing home two chocolate covered cherries for a post-dinner treat may do the trick. Unfortunately, couples that are content assume that chivalry is the exception rather than the rule. Passionate couples may never be content with their relationship, but consistently extraordinarily happy.

Remember what made your first few dates magical, and never alter what gets you to the altar!